|Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007|
|We are not amused
So. Minions. You may have been wondering where I've been? For those of you who just answered that question with "no, not really." we'll see how long you hold that opinion when you've all been EVISCERATED! (ahem) Well the embarrassing truth is my account was suspended for age reasons. They thought, because of my date of birth that I was a human child. How very embarrassing! I took it up with their support people, but they got all grumpy when I started talking execution and torture, so I basically sulked about it for a year.
Finally I got bored and got the larger house slave to pretend to be my parent (also embarrassing but I'll feel better about it when I'm shredding his leg when he goes to sleep.
The important thing is I'm back! May the tributes commence!
Your almighty leader,
Sitter in the warm place,
Claw in the dark,
Scourge of small squeaky things,
|Monday, December 13th, 2004|
|Tribute where tributes due.
As you may be awarre, christmas is approaching and I've heard rumours that the goose is getting fat.
Well of course this is intollerable! If anybodys getting fat it should be ME. I want all geese rounded up, beaten up a bit so they can't put up a fight and brought to my lair immediatly. And any other food you may have been hoarding should also be included.
|Sunday, December 5th, 2004|
So this monkey walks into a bar. Then a cat jumps out of the shadows rends the monkeys flesh with his superior claws. Then as the monkey begs for forgiveness the cat bites the monkeys head off. Pretty funny huh? I might go into standup...
|Wednesday, December 1st, 2004|
looks like a promising source of recruits don't you think?
|Wednesday, July 21st, 2004|
|Subdugation of the masses
The new palace with the extra slaves is a HUGE improvement on the last one. I get fed on the hour now as each of the slaves is most awake at diffenent points of the day.
Plus they all seem to understand how fantastic and superior I am. Which is of course as things should be. draxil
is the only exception to this, but since I got him stiched up with a full time job he's generally out or too tired for excerising his pitifull attempts at persecution, although it is still amusing to occasionally flay the skin from his hands to remind the other monkeys that claws are better than opposable thumbs any day.
With all the food I am getting I think that soon I will be able to complete my growth cycle so that I am big enough to eat the more troublesome monkeys or at least swat them as I do with the mice.
Yes.. After the small setbacks of recent years I think I should soon be able to reconquor the small pockets of resistance and rule the world as I see fit.
But first I am going to have a nap.
|Friday, July 2nd, 2004|
Greetings minions. How is your meagre existance today?
I am spending some time in my summer retreat with once of my most co-operative slaves the countessfenrig
. She is worthy and will only be slightly killed when my glorious plans to take over the world are complete.
Hang on a moment. I am every so slightly not completely stuffed with food..
Ahhh, that's better. Very efficent service. Perhaps the countess should be cloned and then I could have one in each palace.
|Saturday, March 27th, 2004|
|What do you call a monkey with a camera?
Sod this I am going out. Hopefully it'll have gone to sleep by the time I get back.
If only I were ten times my size, then I'd show him.. Pictures, pah! I mean feeding the cat or taking pictures of the cat.. Which do you consider more important??
|Saturday, November 22nd, 2003|
, ta for the catfood. You will be remembered when I am dishing out continental governorships. How do the americas suit you? Of course you'll have to curb those liberal views of yours..
|Tuesday, September 9th, 2003|
Why can't humans be more like mice?
Obviously I don't want humans to be *exactly* like mice, imagine ruling over that many mice? The squeaking would be unbearable. But still I think humans have a lot to learn from mice.
At the very least humans should be one tenth of my size. Then we would see who was boss.. Mind you I am the boss anyway. But still, that's my new project, make humans one tenth of my size... So I need to shrink all the humans... Or, I could grow to ultra-giant-cat mode. Hmmmm.... Current Mood: contemplative
|Sunday, September 7th, 2003|
|Saturday, April 26th, 2003|
|Subjugation Of The Masses
Well. I am now 2 years old. Did anyone remember my birthday?! Did they hairballs.
Still, my world domination plans are progressing well. My pawn, the monkey king, seems to be doing well in securing me the middle east. A cat of my choosing is as we speak being airlifted to the Gulf, to form the new government. Answerable to my capital in Manchester of course.
I fear the humans are considering moving again. I really shouldn't indulge them in their little interests. I should have had them death squaded ages ago really. But, well it's so much effort. Perhaps it's time to get replacements though.. I'll send the order, later. I am very sleepy. I have been away for at least an hour.. Yawn. Yes, after the nap. Although I need them to open the tin of food.. Tomorrow then? Current Mood: lethargic
|Thursday, October 10th, 2002|
My plan to be transported to Withington to get to the evil cats AGM (to assassinate them all of course, I mean evil pah! I have seen more evil hamsters.) by pretending to be ill is working as smoothly as my usual catlike brilliance. I should have thought of this before, the looks of sympathy on there faces when I mew, the extra food and the persuasion when I "don't eat".
It's like taking food from a baby. Which, funnily enough, is what I plan to do this afternoon. OhHAHAHAHAHA. Current Mood: sick
|Monday, September 30th, 2002|
I have declared a truce in my eternal war with the so called ginger cat. I predict this truce will only last until I next feel like biting him, but still it allows us a chance to concentrate on the real enemy, the humans.
gingercat seems oblivious to my impending status. The streetcat barbarian seems more interested in stealing my food and is under the bizarre impression that he should dominate my flat mearly because he is still capable of reproducing!
Still, when this truce has served it's purpouse ginger cat will feel these claws, and he will know that it is I aZrael who encompases his dooom! Current Mood: evil
|Saturday, June 15th, 2002|
I am bored... World domination is not as easy as some people make out. Am I getting old? Suddenly all I want from life is catfood and a scratch behind my ears.. Am I going soft? Fuck this. I am going to find something smaller than me and scare the shit out of it. Yeah. Don't ya just love being a cat?
|Sunday, April 7th, 2002|
|Revised Execution List
has just earned his place back at the top of the list... I tell you I am seriously considering blowing some of my world domination fund on having his assassinated! This morning not only did he regard his need to stay in bed as more important than my need for food, he then got up put some music on and MADE ME DANCE!! They allllllll know how much I hate being made to dance and they STILL do it!! Whats is this? Am I some kind of comedy figure to them?!?!? Still they will all pay when I rule the world I will do than make them dance!!! I will lock them out all night and totally refuse to fit a human flap. I will forget to feed them and I will leave their litter tray to become a feted pit of filth, and THEN, THEN I WILL MAKE THEM DANCE!!! BASTARDS BASTARDS BASTARDS! THE WORLD SHALL SOON ME IN MY CLAW!! VICTORY SHALL YET BE MINE AND THEN WE WILL SEE WHO IS FUCKING DANCING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: enraged
|Sunday, January 27th, 2002|
|Yet another plan to conquour the world foiled.
This weekend I nearly achieved my long held goal to bring the world to it's knees. I summoned my feline minions and formed a battle group, together we stormed a top secret military facility and I gained access. Just as I was activating the launch code for the doomsday device within which would have wiped out all of the non cat populous, those stupid monkeys prised open the sheilded door and pulled me away from the controls. And now they have the audacity to report the whole event in such a way that implies that they were RESCUING ME! Current Mood: aggravated
|Friday, January 4th, 2002|
|See the face of your future king.
Behold it is I Azrel, lord of the night, and ruler of the earth(in training). Now my proclamations shall bear my image so you know who to give all the cheese and fish to when you see me.
|Thursday, November 15th, 2001|
|I think that I have been abducted by aliens...
Hmmm, the other day I was stuffed into a box and then I can't really remember anything for about a day... And the next think I know I am back here and I feel all funny, and I have a few strange wounds. The wierd thing is I feel like I am missing something and I don't know what it is..
I really must conquer the world. But hey I will do it tomorrow. Hmm. Tired.... Current Mood: confused.
|Friday, September 7th, 2001|
THAT BASTARD!! I AM GOING TO KILL HIM!
THE FOOL wrapped ME in a towl and two of them held me down whilst they put GUNK in my ears . AND they sloshed it all around with a swab, FUCKERS.
But never mind THEY WILL PAY WITH THEIR LIVES!! ANd they will KNOW that it is I AZRAEL THAT ENCOMPASSES THEIR DOOOOOOOOOOM!